i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
