Define "chronic" masturbator.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
