And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
