This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
