I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
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Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
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i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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