I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
worst night to have a conscience
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
