in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We need a shit load of segways right now
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
