Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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