you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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