I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
