Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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