Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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