Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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