what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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