Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
