Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
