A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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