I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
