Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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