dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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