she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
