Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
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Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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