She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
