his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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