the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
