Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
