She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i drank out of a bidet.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
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Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
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He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.