If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
