You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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