I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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