Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
