what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
