I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
