so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
