a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
