I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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