My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
This house was built for laser tag.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
