Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Dicks are not precious.
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