I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
i drank out of a bidet.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
