This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
