You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
MIDGETS
????
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
