my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
MIDGETS
????
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
