are you so shy because you have an std?
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
