everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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