i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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