It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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