I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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