After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
