im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it hurts more in the daytime
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
