Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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