I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
