Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Randomize
