i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
