On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
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Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize