I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
