It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
3 2 1 whiskey
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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