do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
3pm strippers are depressing
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
