I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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