Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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