bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
