They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
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you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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