Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
