can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
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We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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