My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
